Peace, Man

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).

Years ago I was working as a teller trainee at the busiest downtown bank in Orlando. On one particularly busy afternoon, I heard a commotion a few windows down at the teller counter as a customer was blasting the head teller with his frustrations over a recent transaction gone wrong. I observed as the experienced teller listened for a couple of minutes to the man carrying on about what had happened and how it had left him furious.

When he finally stopped—or at least paused to catch his breath—I expected the head teller to really set him straight and let him know that we certainly could not have done something so terribly wrong and irresponsible. Instead, the woman just put both of her hands on the counter between them, leaned in, and quietly said, “You have really had an awful time, haven’t you? What an awful day you’ve had. Why don’t we see what we can do to make this better, okay?”

It totally diffused the man. He had nothing else to say but, “Thank you. That would be great.” And from there, the volume and intensity totally changed. And I learned a lesson that has stuck with me to this day—both at work and at home and in all of my relationships.

I wish I could say that I always remember this, but I haven’t reached that state of perfection just yet. But many, many times I remember to stop and listen to what I’m hearing before I respond in anger, defense, or any other harsh emotion that will only further the conflict.

Somewhere along the way my family picked up the phrase “nailing Jell-o to the tree.” I’ll sometimes try to picture that when someone comes at me in anger . . . giving in so gently that their attempts at aggression are exactly like that . . . like nailing Jell-o to a tree. Nothing sticks.

What should follow next, of course, is constructive solution. Sitting down and working through the problem. Some people don’t want that; they’re really just there for a fight. If so, that’s their problem; don’t own that. But if you can diffuse the heat in the moment to get down to solving the problem effectively, things will be better for everyone.

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God” (Matthew 5:9).